TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real estate property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're conversing Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be incredible. Large!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed from the Placing inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have An additional area wherever American Guys can don robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: give All people a collection within the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is tender electric power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in each device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It's not that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It is really that he should really cease applying it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the project, replied, "You understand, man, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for Trump Tower Damascus "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the hotel's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head obvious from Room, a element staying promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as the chin is… well, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following discovering the creating's gold plating mirrored a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It really is not just unappealing. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Baffling Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest aspect with the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees might ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Nearby Syrians are Doubtful what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "If You Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Without end."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "exactly where's the closest elevator for the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is by now attracting focus from Intercontinental traders, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll acquire a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level can even consist of:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to view a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a hotel wherever my PTSD may have turn-down assistance."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Final Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It desired gold. It essential a waterslide shaped like the Structure. I gave it all three. You might be welcome."

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